Dear Santana
by relaxovision
Summary: Finn writes a letter to Santana and apologizes for outing her.


Dear Santana,

I'm writing to you, because I don't know if you even want to hear what I have to say. I didn't want to just corner you or something, but instead give you the choice if you want to read this or not.

First of all, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for what I did to you. I know I said before that I wasn't the one who forced you out of the closet, but I talked to Kurt and also Rachel and her dads and they all agreed that I was wrong. They said a few things that really got to me, actually. So I sat down and thought about, really thought about what happened and I came to realize that yes, I did out you. But I also realized that it wasn't just that.

It wasn't my intention to hurt you this badly.

Actually, that's a lie. I was angry at you, because you kept insulting me. I was so angry, because sometimes your mouth works as fast as a machine gun and I'm not good with words. I have a hard time catching on and then it's like I'm losing control and sometimes I call people crazy and sometimes I kick over chairs. I got angry at you and I lost control and I went too far. It's a lame excuse, really. I'm aware of that. The truth is that, when I yelled after you to come out I did that to hurt you. I wanted to win the argument. But I swear I didn't want you to suffer the consequences that followed after. And I'm so ashamed of myself.

I'm ashamed for calling you a coward. I know nothing about what you've been through, or what any other gay kid goes through, actually. And I never will. I will never know what it's like finding out I'm different and not being able to communicate that properly. I will never understand that kind of struggle. I grew up with a loving mom and I could always talk to her about everything. Even though you said that your parents are ok with you being with Brittany, that probably wasn't all you worried about. I don't even know what exactly it was that made you so afraid. It's something I'll never experience. And then I went and judged you. I'm so sorry.

You're not a coward. It must have taken you so much strength and willpower just figuring out who you are, on your own, with no one to shape yourself after, to turn to and ask what it's like. Facing that takes a bravery I can only admire. I don't know if I could have done that. I mean, I grew up without a father and I find it hard to find out what kind of man I want to be because of that. But at least I always knew what being a straight guy is like. No one ever suggested I couldn't be me. No one ever tried to take my rights away. I always had friends to just talk about boys stuff. Did you ever have anyone to talk to about lesbian stuff? Someone to compare yourself to? Someone to help you find out what kind of gay woman you want to be? I'll never know.

Actually, Santana, you and Kurt are the bravest people I know. And I'm the coward. I'm such a coward for using this one thing I knew about you, the one insecurity you had, against you when I couldn't come up with a clever comeback to your insults. I'm expected to be the leader, to be the bridge between the popular kids and the underdogs. I'm supposed to show everyone that hatred doesn't get us anywhere, that we should open our hearts and minds to each other.

And then I go and fuck up like I did and the only thing I showed you was that if you're afraid of something then you can't trust me with that information. I showed everyone that the one thing you fear the most will come true if you're not careful enough. Ultimately I showed you that you had a right to be afraid. Because people are dicks and won't respect your privacy if they don't think you deserve it. In that sense, I'm the reason why people hide in the closet.

I'm so sorry for breaching your boundaries like that.

I know there's nothing I can do to make it up to you. I can't give you back what I took. I can't step back and let you handle your life your way anymore. I can't un-say what I said about Brittany. It was completely uncalled for and I had no right to go there. Your relationship is your business, not mine.

I can't even expect your friendship. After I trampled all over your life you'll probably want distance, physically. And I promise I'll give you that. For as long as you want.

I also promise that I'll educate myself more. I'll spend more time with Kurt and Rachel's dads and I'll do my best to become a better man.

My hope is that one day we can sit down and talk. If that doesn't happen, I respect your choice, of course. I just… I guess I'd really like to know you. I mean, I always preach about how we're all friends and stuff and I even forced my friendship on you and I forced you to accept everyone's love and compassion when all you probably wanted was some time to just be. That's not what a friend does. And it's surely not what a family does.

But I want that, Santana. I want to somehow earn your friendship.

Because contrary to what I said, I do care. And people care. In the negative sense, and in the positive.

I do care about you.

And I hope that one day you can believe me that I'm not a bad guy. I'm just a big fat idiot.

- Finn


End file.
